Book of Sandra ~ The Proposal

The Trigger

I read a posting the other day about a young woman who had been offered $6,000 to marry a foreigner so that he could stay in this country, you know get his visa extended and eventually get a green card. She posted it for a friend who was trying to decide whether to take the proposal or not. Quite a few people responded to the posting but I was surprised by the reasoning.

Let's set aside the fact that our country is at war and there are people trying to come here some with ill intentions. Those we like to believe are few and far between. There are many people who would love to come to this country in hopes of building a better life. I find no fault in the desire to expand one's horizons.

I have met and dated foreign born men frequently both here in this country and when I attended a school for foreigners in Siena Italy. To be courted by men of different cultures is truly an interesting experience but that's not what we're talking about here. In the example shared there is a woman who is the mother of five children who is attending college and having some financially difficulties. She was approached by a foreigner with the aforementioned proposal.

Most of the postings complained about the amount of money being offered by this man to marry this family. Here's my problem. I find it offensive to think that this woman he is willing to marry is not worth dating or wooing. Not to sound condescending but how difficult can it be to actually date a woman who is having financial difficulties and five children, help me out. Sure it takes time, can be extremely frustrating and but so too can marriage. Court her and her children pay a bill, fix a bicycle, buy some McDonald's and rent a DVD on occasion and show that you can get with her program. Then the she and the kids may say let's do this because they see the benefit of having this man around, not because of $6,000 that is likely to be gone by the end of the first month. How insulting!

The Request

Here's what he is asking instead; I need you to live a lie with me for at least two years. We'll have to lie to the kids and make them believe that we're in a relationship because heaven forbid they give us away. Can you imagine INS interviewing the children only to be told by the talkative one that "oh he comes by and takes pictures of everything so he can pass the quiz." You'll have to lie to all your family and friends so they won't give you away because INS investigates these things. You might as well sign your kids up for the "my mommy's a liar club so I don't respect her club."

Life Lessons

I find the archetypes that Jung talks about fascinating, he says that we all have to grow through these life lessons. Most don't realize that life deals us a series of archetypal events so that we can consciously choose who we desire to be. So do we step up, step down or lay down? There is the Prostitute that deals with the sale or negotiation of your integrity or your spirit. We all have a price but whom or what dictates your price? Add to that the fact that she's a mother and therefore a package deal what's the family worth. There are always consequences to our actions, you guys, we need to shift this paradigm.

We are in the midst of a crisis of consciousness; we are failing our youth. If we don't make the shift soon all of our instinctive humanity will be sucked away. I know it probably sounds a tad bit dramatic but don't you think we ought to get a little dramatic? It's preferable to the continuing complacency that has plagued our community. The thought I had was of us drowning in shallow waters but on Mary Hartman (was it?) somebody drowned in a bowl of soup, are we going out like that? Are we still as adults dumbing-down so the irreverent loud mouths feel comfortable to set the tone? We rejected "moral values" for being too stoic for our casual society. We disengaged from family values when the Presidential candidate turned joke Dan Quayle started talking about it. So now where are we?

About Face

What's needed is not a new catch phrase or committee to reestablish human/self worth, its individual commitment to our future. This revolution of values must protect our freedom without diminishing our spirit. There is nothing but a lack of vision to prevent us from reordering our priorities. We must not allow small hearted, short sighted misguided people to drag us down this dark corridor of self hatred and spiritual bankruptcy. In our arrogance we think that we have chosen this path and protect it as if cutthroat individualism is the goal.

We need to have an all-out sustained effort to do an about face. We have to learn to love our neighbors as ourselves. Self love dictates that we treat ourselves as if we recognize our own inherent value and do what is good and nurturing. We treat others with that same value and respect as well. I love the quote from A Course in Miracles that says:

"When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself."

We are all connected and together we shall rise or fall, the responsibility for that is each of ours. We are affected by what others say and think and should therefore recognize that others are affected by your choice to step up or lay down. Do you have the spiritual fortitude to offset negativity? If not, make commitment to your own healing and maturation. Figure out what it means to love you and do that. What does it mean to protect yourself and do that. Once you do it for yourself doing it for another will be easier.

Let's get busy.

Book of Sandra

Chapter 4

Sometimes I can be pretty rigid. I'm not sure where all it came from, I was a rebellious teenager that bucked my parents and the system every chance I got. One of my closest girlfriends joking says that my middle initial stands for Defiance, I am that. I have never believed in just going along to get a long, it always seemed to me that I needed to live my truth whatever that was. For me living my truth is a matter of honor.

You may know that I'm a Trekky, The Next Generation was my show and Jean-Luc Picard and Lt. Worf my guys. I learned a lot about personal integrity, respect, and operating from a set of principles that orders my steps. I've already written my obituary thinking that if I know how I'd like to be remembered, it will direct how I live.

It seems that honor is missing in our society today, at least from my vantage point. There are some many people who live by the seat of their pants so to speak making decisions on the fly and not realizing the greater implications of those decisions. We have people who pander to the crowd going for what gets the reactions rather than what's right. Right is not always popular and we can misread reactions.

Whatever happened to your word being your bond? I confess that as I age my memory is not nearly as good as it use to be, so now I have to compensate by writing things down and sending myself reminders. I remember years ago a man asked me out that I was really attracted to. He asked me to meet him out for coffee and gave me a date and time. It was a week away. He was all that and a bag of chips by my estimation so he really couldn't be attracted to me. On the day of the meeting I kept thinking this is a joke, he's going to stand me up so I didn't go. It was over two years before I saw him again, I heard he had gotten married and was still doing really well. When he saw me he was with his wife but he stopped came over to me and as he hugged me he said "I waited over an hour for you and you never showed."

I didn't want to be that person whose words don't have meaning. Who does not do what she says she'll do. That lacks honor. I want to value your time and attention just I would my own. This is the golden rule; do onto others as you would have them do unto you. It's a matter of respect.

Whatever happened to respect? Where did we get this idea that respect is earned? My actions are based on my prime directive not anyone else's. How I operate comes from my value system and is not subject to change because of who I'm dealing with. When your actions are predicated by the actions of another it is them that is in control and not you. They push your buttons and cause you to react as they choose when that is the case, that makes you a puppet and them the puppeteer. Personal autonomy is necessary to have honor.

Wow, this keeps opening up so much for me. More to come. . . .

Book of Sandra

Chapter 3

I love the way life constantly provides fodder for thought or discussion. Feels like it did when I was doing radio, spirit knew it had a willing mouth piece and therefore gave me people and circumstances to talk about. Now don't get me wrong I'm not the type to get caught up talking about small minded ideas like material possessions or gossiping about people. I like to talk about archetypal themes that each of us have to go through to grow through.

In the introduction of A Course in Miracles (ACIM) it reads

"This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. . . "

When I first read that I thought what a lofty thought, how would the author ever know that I'd pick up this book? So required for whom? What most of us don't realize is that this life comes with its own curriculum. We're engaged in a course in miracles and cannot do otherwise. All its lessons are lessons that have been undertaken since man became conscious of his ability to choose. The particulars of each lesson vary from person to person but not the aim of it. Lessons are repeated until you get it right.

Integrity

Nathaniel Branden defines integrity as "the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs – and behavior." To simplify its when your actions are in line with what you say you value. Most of us were raised with values of some type or developed them on our own later by deciding who we want to be in the world. If you value life, honesty, reliability or respect what you do should be in alignment with what you think/value/believe. When you violate your own values, you feel diminished or lose face to in your own eyes.

Personal integrity is one that many of us struggle with because it is so vitally important to not only how others see & feel about us, but more importantly how we see & feel about ourselves. Most of our formative lessons are there to teach us who we are as part of group and then to develop independently of that group. We develop a sense of self, our likes and dislikes as well as our own personal values. Many of us adopt the values of those around us and never consider that those values may no longer fit the person we have become. The group will have you to think that there is only one way of thinking, the right way – their way. One such group "the family" expects that every child born to their group will continue with the same religion, live in the same area, and carry on the same basic family values. As we mature we make decisions as to whether the family values fit with our current values. Sometimes they do and other times they do not.

For example, if you were raised with basic Christian values you learned that sex outside of marriage is wrong. If as an adult you participated in sex outside of marriage, you would be violating a value that you hold and would likely have some type of emotional reaction each time you had sex outside of marriage. Acting against your values is self betrayal and can leave you feeling guilty, dirty or just plain wrong. Violation of your own self trust diminishes self worth, self esteem and causes you to hemorrhage personal power which unchecked could lead to a variety of perverse behaviors. You either have to change your actions or your values to stop the hemorrhaging of energy. When alignment is achieved you can begin to develop and strengthen your self-perception.

Carolyn Myss said "From a spiritual perspective, the entire physical world is nothing more than our classroom, but the challenge to each of us in this classroom is: Given your particular body, environment, and beliefs, will you make choices that enhance your spirit or those that drain your power into the physical illusion around you?

We are constantly presented with challenges that make us demonstrate whether our heads, hearts and actions agree. Something as simple as the clerk giving you the wrong change and how you address it can impact how you see yourselves. Do you act with honor? That information is for you more so than anyone else, you may be the only one who knows, but the results of your decisions shows up and out in your energy field. They determine whether you lose power or strengthen it. More on this in a future post.

Book of Sandra

Chapter 2

I was always fascinated by the story of Jonah and the whale. The story seemed to suggest that we can't run away from our dreams. You remember the story; God told Jonah to go to this city to perform a particular task. Well Jonah wasn't going and decided to head in another direction, we all do that. Well he got swallowed up by the whale, stayed in the belly of the whale three days before he was spit out on the shore of the city he was suppose to go to in the first place. Now some of you will be upset that I didn't give all the details and metaphysical meaning behind them but those are much less important than the overall theme right here so let's not get stuck.

We don't often do the thing that we feel in our hearts we're motivated to do. Now certainly some believe that God's voice was audible back in biblical days, it was not. God spoke then the same as now, through our dreams, desires, other people, feelings, and a host of other intuitive modalities. Sorry, the sky really didn't open up and there was no rolling thunderous voice saying; "go my child to Brooklyn." God speaks by giving us overwhelming desires or great joy when we hit upon something we are called to do. That's why sex can't be all wrong, but that's another post.

I keep talking about freewill; I'll cover it in more depth at another time. God gave us freewill and will not violate it. Through freewill our right to make choices for our own lives is sacrosanct. Sure we get clues or gentle reminders about what we purposed to do, but the ultimate choice on what we actually do is our own. Now here's the question: upon what do you base your decisions on what you do?

The Choice

When I was much younger I went to church but was unable to totally dedicate myself to God. In my understanding a relationship with God was about denial and deprivation. I thought when I get older and have had all my fun then I'll do it. The preacher would talk about hell and damnation and say that I could die before the day is over so I'd better make a choice today. Unfortunately, we have learned to make a lot of decisions through fear. We live in a culture of fear, but I was willing to chance it.

I share that because many of us don't do the very thing that we most desire to do, the thing that we are called to do because of fear. We work jobs because we have to pay our bills. Rather than working on paying off our bills so we can follow our dream we make more bills. I asked a friend "do you own your house or does your house own you?" She was so much happier living in her apartment with much less to worry about. She was trying to live the American dream and forgot about her own dream. So she has taken one job after another that she hated trying to keep up with the bills from someone else's dream.

Purpose

Money isn't a dream, what it can buy perhaps but what benefit does that have for the world? If you look throughout nature it seems that everything has a purpose. Bees, flies, trees even snow has a purpose. We were each born with a purpose; something that only we can do. When you're not doing your part, playing your role, you're cheating the rest of us. No whale is going to come along and swallow you up but you might get laid off. You might get in a car accident, heaven forbid, that lays you flat on your back so you have time to think about what really matters. To remind you of what you're here to do.

I'm not exempt from the necessity to live out my purpose I'm typing this so I can read it. I get no greater joy than when I'm talking to a group of people sharing ideas. Using my voice, opening my mouth and saying what spirit lays on my heart gives me joy like nothing else. Getting paid to talk is an added bonus. I can see and feel a healing occurring as I speak.

I kept running away because of all that I thought I had to give up without realizing all that I had to gain. No I'm not a goody two shoes, I didn't have to be especially not as others define it. I'm not rolling in money either but I am experiencing a joy like I never felt before. What I do have to do is work on my motives, why am I doing this? What's the motivation? Am I operating out of love or fear? Try following your dream, you may like it. It may not seem smart or prosperous or even safe. Living out of your fear, that's slow torture. Do you get headaches or back aches? Are you sick all the time feeling like your body is breaking down? I'm writing about that now in my book. Allow yourself to be used for a greater purpose, it'll expand you.

I'm A Tree

We were in Seattle for a family reunion and I wanted to go to the famous market to see the salmon toss. My father said to his sister “Sandy doesn’t eat fresh salmon.” I was totally taken aback. I know it’s weird a memory to have but it had me thinking about exposure.



My father made an assumption about my culinary exposure. As a child I lived in a controlled enviroment. Our house, our yard had a fence around it, there was no internet or cable television back then. Up until a certain point in my life my father could say without equivocation what I had and had not been exposed to.



As we mature the things we are exposed increases. I live in Cleveland, Ohio which is part of the United States of America by accident of birth. Being an American holds no significant degree of pride for me. I love it because it is the home that I know. The same can be said for anyone’s home in any country in this world – we are all born where we are born by accident of birth and grow to love that place as home regardless of the culture until we choose differently.




I have traveled to different countries and have learned to appreciate them for how they are different. No thoughts of superiority or inferiority just different. I’ve walked on Egyptian sand it feels the same between my toes as Mexican sand and the United State's sand too. Air is air, sunshine is sunshine all over the world. There are some places I’ve been that if I could just stretch a little bit more I could grab a star, they seem closer. I’ve eaten live mussels in Italy, and swam nude in the Mediterranean Sea with friends I didn’t share a common language with. What we understood was laughter, good food and fun. We found commonality in spite of our geographical origins.



Today we are exposed more than ever to people that don't look, talk or think like us. It seems as if the world is shrinking as avenues of communicating expands. Basically we find that we are still just people, trying to live out what they’ve been told is the truth. We all want desperately to be right. To live in the right/best place, to have the right or chosen religion, to go to the right schools, to marry the right person and do the right thing.



From that gated yard to world citizen I know that my options are limitless. In college I was exposed to the idea of having “universal maxims,” ideas that I apply universally not what is politically expedient, popular or what I can get away with. My ideas or values remain consistent and are deeply rooted and remain unchanged. The basics:

• Everyone is good but they might not make good choices all the time.


• Everything is sacred and deserves respect.


• We’re all God’s children, even when we don’t know it or believe it.

We are each challenged to decide who we are and what we believe and live that consistently. As a nation we decided on a President and many have abdicated the philosophically grappling to him. Others have disengaged as I had during the Bush years unable to reconcile my values with our nation’s practices.

Under this new administration the question of torture arose and President Obama rightly stated that “that is not who we are as a nation,” it does not speak to the values upon which we were founded. Its an age old question: does the end justify the means? If the end is: we get the information, does it matter how we go about getting it? I say yes. If the end is: we get to feed hungry people, does it matter if the food was stolen from others to make it happen? Absolutely. A desirous ending is not justified by unjust means and therefore cannot be used as provocation. Ignoring either personal or collective values repeatedly is spiritually corrosive. America was choking from its own character crisis. We can not escape the consquences of our actions and inactions.

In A Course in Miracles the golden rule stated differently “as you see me you shall see yourself, as you treat me you shall treat yourself” . . .Never forget this because in me (your brother) you will find yourself or lose yourself. That so-called terrorist is your brother, who was doing what he thought was right based on the information he was given. That is not to condone anyone's actions I'm simply trying to point out human faces beyond our exposure.

What do you believe? Introspection:

• What are your core values or beliefs? (list top 5)


• What informs your choices? (religion, politics, books)


• What values do you apply universally and which arbitrarily?


• We are always teaching others who we are, what are you demonstrating?

I vow to be like a tree bowed maybe, but unbroken by the winds of change. If you ever find that the winds of your life start to blow and threaten to blow you off balance off center just reach out there are trees everywhere. Be one.