Living Out Loud

I got it yesterday, my first thank you card for Food for Thought. I use to get them all the time when I was on the radio. Tattered letters that looked like they'd been carried around in someone's purse a while. A woman showing up outside the station or at some speaking event. Then when I opened the center they'd just come there. I was always touched, but most especially by the ones that went out of thier way to say thank you.

Rue was my favorite. Another host had given a forum at the community college. It was well attended. I was there but not on the panel, it was political and heated at times. I held the mic for the audience participation part.

I saw her as she approached after the program, her face hard, her gaze direct. Truthfully I felt her contempt and wanted to shield myself behind the person I was talking to. Instead, I did what I have trained myself to do I thought "thank you God for divine order." I smiled and greeted her like an old friend, "Hiiii," (it was long and drawn out). She didn't smile back, that really troubled me. No one could resist my smile. That's what I was taught.

My mother was from the south and believed in grooming her children into the people she wanted us to become. She'd taught us to always smile, saying "you get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar." She'd be pleased when people gave us sodas or bags of chips free of charge, complimenting her what wonderful, well-mannered children she had. She and my father both were proud but as I write this it sounds more like a gypsy training without the intended deceit. "Smile and the whole world smiles with you," she'd say.

This woman at the forum didn't crack a smile she looked at me with a face of stone and asked "are you Sandra Bishop?" "Yes I am, do you listen to the show," trying to start a conversation. Her head shifted slight to the side and said "I recognized your voice." She was already walking away as I said "thanks for listening" to her back. No name, no hug, no hand shake - nothing.

When I first started doing the show it was about relationships and I called it Let's Relate in Love. I was trying to hook people up or at least talk about relationship issues. You could hear the pain coming out as anger when they called in. When I held events I would watch people come in the door and thought they looked like birds with broken wings still trying to fly. Here they are looking for someone to rescue them rather than for a partner. I changed my show. Real relationship work, I told them, was not about finding the right person, but rather being the right person. Heal thyself.

There were people I called the talk radio junkies. No matter what channel you turned to if didn't hear them calling its only because you just missed them or they couldn't get through. I imagined that some of them sat in their homes and switched from station to station just like we do our televisions. Michael was one of those talk show junkies, he listened to everyone even Howard Stern. He called me one evening and asked me on air "Sandra, why do you take callers? " Stunned, I was silent - that wasn't a question I was prepared for, it threw me. "Do you really think we tune in to listen to your callers?" I had to say something, there was dead air. I stammered a bit trying to explain that "this is talk radio, its for the community so they can have a voice." He paused then said dryly "we don't tune in to listen to your callers," and hung up. Now, that threw me for a loop.

I don't think people realize how feedback affects people. I've seen host that have gotten a rude caller that said their show sucked never show up again. Sometimes, we're bewildered by what the real meaning is behind their statements. Is this just today or every show? Was Rue angry at me? Was Michael saying I wasn't utilizing my callers correctly or that I needed to not talk to them anymore?

I had noticed was that the phone lines would start ringing even before I started my show. That happened for a lot of the shows. People would hold too, sometimes for 15-20 minutes waiting for you to answer. You say welcome to the show or something like that and they'd talk about stuff totally unrelated to what your show topic is about. I asked one guy are you even listening to the show? Our screeners only took names and told us what line they were on. Soon after Michael's call, I stopped taking callers and just talked. And I can talk.

Each week I prepared my show like a minister prepares a sermon. I'd gather info and do the research. I hated when people tried to wing it, its disrespectful. I have always felt it an honor to have people listen to me, they can easily flip the channel or get up and walk out. If you honor me with your attention I'm going to honor that by being prepared and having something worthy of your attention to talk about. And I was intimate with my audience - I define intimate as "in-to-me-see." That meant regardless of how they may judge me for what I said or thought I had to speak my truth, they deserve that.

I get choked up about stuff like that, because its not a game to me. Our minds our emotions are fertile ground and deserve the respect of one removing one's shoes. (feet ruled by Pisces symbolic of understanding) Moses took off his shoes - emotionally I do too. I know to whom I'm speaking and reverence is due. Anytime you have the ablity to influence how people think reverence is due.

I started going out speaking more. One Sunday I was doing an early service for someone. I got there just in time to walk into the sanctuary, it was early & I was verging on late. Seated in the hallway was a lady who looked to be in her early 50's a little homely looking. (you know I'm anything but) When she saw me rushing towards the entrance to the sanctuary she stood up. She was clutching a well worn purse tightly against her. She looked like a mother and wife who had always put everyones needs ahead of her own like most do, like mine did. She seemed uneasy yet determined.

Bobbie, who was guiding me in, said that she'd been there when she arrived. Said she needed to talk to me, but she couldn't stay. My bad I should have arrived early. As I smiled tears started rolling down this woman's face. She'd came to thank me she said for my show. I'm not sure how she took it but I heard myself say "No thank you, my show the issues I talk about are my issues, you just get to ease drop." That's what they mean by I'm blessed to be a blessing. I never thought I as doing anything important. I was just living out loud being used like a conduit through which blessings flowed and that others get a blessing too, well that was kind of nice too. So when I tell people I love speaking it because I do it for me, it grows me and blesses me. You can't get arrogant or think you're special when you get naked and bare your soul in front of other people. I describe the high I get is like a drug induced high, I'd imagine, and I can't wait for next fix.

I announced I was going to start giving weekly classes. I was studying the bible, A Course in Miracles, Joesph Campbell, Carl Jung, Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson and Carolyn Myss to just name a few. I meditated for at least an hour daily, studied and wrote.

I had talked the class up over the air but wasn't sure if anyone would come. I felt nervous. I'm not sure who was there probably just Maria & I. Maria has always been one of my most loyal supporters so I'm sure she was there. She and I were talking as we waited for people to show up. It was a small church. The outside double doors were made of heavy steel, once through those 10 feet ahead to the right was eight steps you had to come up that opened directly into the sanctuary. We'd set up the chairs in a semi-circle and there she and I sat. Waiting.

We heard the double doors open and bang shut. We had stopped talking and looked towards the steps. The air changed I felt a lightness it seemed pregnant to me, much like it does when its your turn to answer a prayer. Something big, someone big was approaching. I could see and feel the aura their energy, whoever this was was coming to give a blessing not get one.

I saw her, but not really. It took me about 30 seconds to realize who it was. It was the stone faced woman that approached me years before at the forum. She glowed and was smiling ear to ear as she embraced me, all three of us cried. Her name was Rue, Rue Love.

The station I was on changed their format in 2006 and ended my show. I thought I could go without living out loud, but it had me scattered. Serendipity: a guy I met at the radio station named TJ asked me at the last minute to be a guest on a cable show he was trying to get off the ground. I later ran into the program director offerred me a cable show too.

So fast forward to yesterday I got a card. In it the woman wrote "Thank you for letting the Holy Spirit lead you to give me "food for thought."" Thank God I'm living out loud again.