A Special Relationship

Am I Ready?

I thought I’d matured, I thought that if I was approached by my beloved today I’d be emotionally ready to receive him.  Today I’m not so sure.  If you’ve been listening you’ve heard me say that I was waiting on my “ME” or Mental Equivalent.  Rarely do I meet men who are spiritual in the same ways that I am, able to converse, relate or even be interested in the areas I find fascinating.  I meet men who are religious and not spiritual.  I’ve settled for less thinking that if I am the person that I think I am I can get them to at least be supportive of my path.

Honestly, I find dating difficult because I believe more in what I feel than what I hear or see, energy is everything to me and I believe I’m quite perceptive.  It’s probably not fair to a man who may have genuine interest but are dismissed because all I’m feeling/detecting in him is lust.  Lust isn’t cute, sexy or even desirable to me.  Yes, of course I want to be desired like any other person but then what?  As sex/sexy gets old then what? 

Romantic, or as we call them in the ACIM community Special Relationships are difficult enough without making them totally focused on the body and bodily pleasures.  I often tweet about men who desire a beautiful woman with a sexy body but do nothing to take care of their own body.  They operate as if all they have to do is toss money her way. 

Friends often say their 1^st marriage was for love but the 2^nd or 3^rd marriages would be for money, security and stability.  I’ve never been married due largely to not wanting to settle for something I knew wouldn't last.  

My high school sweetheart recently found me on youtube and sent me a message he lives in Florida.  He had asked me to marry him while he was still enlisted and I immediately said yes.  I was thrilled at the prospect of being married to a guy I loved.  Shortly after our engagement I started getting these excruciating headaches that would get worse when he called.  I remember the day I broke off the engagement my head was pounding so hard I thought it would split open.  When I picked up the phone that day head pounding I simply said I can’t do this.  Do what he asked?  Marry you.  It felt as if a weight had suddenly been lifted off me almost immediately.

 

Ironically, as I was writing that a familiar horn blew.  The second guy that asked me to marry him works at the fire station a few blocks from my house.  He had a plan even before he asked me to marry him he started straightening his life up.  He landed a job as a fireman, took me house hunting and was laying the foundation for his proposal.  I wish I had told him no when I got the inkling that it was coming.  The ride home for the restaurant was torture.  For all the years he’s been a firefighter he has never changed stations and still drives past my house and blows that familiar horn.  

The guys that proposed to me have been really good guys who still adore me but I never felt the yes.  I love them too but still didn’t feel the knowing that I get when something is right.  I am honored by the gentle love we still have for one another and cherish the richness of the friendships we share.

Recently I met someone who gave me pause.  I felt nervous and a bit unsure as we talked.  His approach seemed the same as most; noncommittal.  Birthing anything requires commitment and space.  I saw a documentary once of an egg being fertilized.  Millions of sperms raced towards the egg bouncing up against the membrane trying to get in.  Once a sperm penetrates the egg a hormone is released that kills all the other sperm still fighting to get in.   

I think I'll know when it's for right now as well as when its right.  When it is right I think it will be like the natural fertilization process, all else will fall away and we’ll enter into that alchemical space of gestation that happens just before a new birth. 

Blessings 2u! 

~Sandra