Lessons on Loving

Last week I had a wonderful couple on the show. I went to college with Levett and had the honor of meeting his wife Pia for the first time on the show.

I love the way love looks with the eyes of adoration, its not something you can rehearse. I loved the interview and the beauty of the book. I hope you get a chance to check it out. I wish you love.

Finding Sandra

Years ago I was trying to figure out why I wasn't achieving what I knew in my heart I was capable of. I made a list of people that I knew, made a few exploratory calls and had conversations about "my situation," no one seemed to think that my failure to achieve my goals was a problem of ability but of timing. I didn't know how to get "unstuck" as I called it so I sought professional help. I made of list of all my talents, my desires and dreams, knowing that it was within my power to achieve them all, and headed down to the clinic. I waited quite a while not having an appointment. I would have to be seen, I was told, after or in between the appointments of others. The intake process included an interview to assess the problem and its severity. From there my case would then be discussed within the counselor's weekly review meeting to set up a plan of action. I would bet assigned to a counselor after which a date would be set for me to begin therapy. They warned me that this could take up to six months to be completed.

Therapy

My list and self assessment may have contributed to therapy sessions starting almost immediately. A counselor, Shaun Johnson, who was "sitting in" on the intake because he was just starting wanted my case. After several months of showing up and talking nonstop for an hour each week I asked if he had figured out what my issue was, why was I not achieving my goals? At the end of the session he said rather clinically "I think you suffer from cognitive dissonance let's talk about it next week." I went home pulled out books, got online and researched everything I could on cognitive dissonance which for me proved to be an elusive little bugger. It's when your ideal self and actual self don't match up, I know that is an over simplification but it works. What I needed to know was why not. One example was I have always wanted to write a book I read and wrote constantly but I was always my own worst critic. Either I wouldn't finish the book or I would feel awkward at having someone read or edit what I had written.

I wanted to understand why so I could get beyond it. Now having been diagnosed I could try to bring this distortion into alignment which is in itself a process. Shaun left moving to New Orleans prior to hurricane Katrina and we never worked through my issues. Was I not living in my own head or overly concerned with the opinions of others? Honestly I still struggle with it today. I still I hear my girlfriend's comments and tone it down when I'm getting dressed.

Finding Me

The challenge it seems is to live out my truth in the moment, without apologizing. Rather than getting distracted by arbitrary circumstance just do it. So what if I get the urge to write at 4 am or 8 pm I can actually do it rather than think about the appropriateness of the moment. I am absolutely guilty of at times being more concerned about others feelings than my own. That concern while many of us believe it to be normal and appropriate can have us marching to the beat of another person's drum rather than our own. Making constant modifications that leave us flying half staff and feeling grossly unfulfilled.

I have talked for years about our inherent uniqueness and the obligation that we have to live out the truth for which we were created to live. Often that means that someone will not like what I have to say, but my or your speaking up is necessary to move us both forward. My friends have an absolute right to make whatever comments they choose and I have an absolute right to hear them and disregard their opinion if I so choose. Overtime, if one is not careful, other people's opinions and criticism can chip away at one's perception of self to the point that we lose touch with our own truth.

Many of us have our own personal constitution that may or may not fit in with those around us. It is therefore necessary to find ways to celebrate who we are naturally. I always find it interesting to see the little girls who are girly with purses and dresses and those that are tom boys. As children our personalities come to the surface and are there defiantly. As adults the same is true but we often surround ourselves with opinionated others that sometimes cause a pause in our thinking to consider new information.

As I was typing this I heard my neighbor make his usual comment about turning left to enter your place of residence. Some are tempted to drive around the block and come back from the right just to avoid hearing his protest. Our opinions have to override the opinions of those around us or we'll get lost energetically. We have to surround ourselves with a variety of friends who either affirm us or with whom we have common interest. It is great to have friends who love to party as long as you also have those that will attend an opera or yoga class with you if you so choose. People don't usurp your individuality, we relinquish it to fit in and then wonder why we're feeling scattered and off center. We have to learn how to set effective boundaries so that we don't lose ourselves in others.

So make a list of what you love to do, places you love to go, values you hold dear and commit to speaking up when you feel moved to do so. In other words be true to you. May the force be with you.

In Memory of Eugene A. White

I went to the funeral of a dear friend today. I made the 30 minute drive to pay tribute to a man I adored. When I arrived the audience was full of people who also adored him and shared much of the same experience that I had. His son commented that everyone has a "Dr. White story," it was true and most of them were funny.

His obituary was filled with his many accomplishments he was complex yet simple. When we originally met he told me he was an atheist recognizing himself as the "got damn cause" of everything that happened in his life. This spawned many wonderful conversations that went on for years. One day he finally announced himself a Buddhist and threatened to dawn a loin cloth and parade the streets to talk about causality. His generous spirit will be missed. I am honored to call him a friend. I share here his list of guiding principles listed in his obituary.

White's Dozen

1. Everybody is a minority of one.
   
2. Every group is a lie (from Kierkegaard), every hog thinks his own sty is the nastiest. (his Mother)
   
3. I am more than a noun or adjective; I am a verb. Any relevant label for me must relate to my actions and not my adjectivized noun-ness.
   
4. I am not an effect, but rather a cause. I am responsible for my goals and my actions to achieve those goals, as well as for the consequences of my actions or inactions.
   
5. Thought is not so much the result of experience as experience is the result of thought.
   
6. One indispensable part of being a verb, i.e., of "doing," is that I ask. That facilitates my interaction with other verbs.
   
7. The world outside, from my point of view, is not under my control, is not rational, and is not sane. The world inside, however, is mine to control; it is indeed my kingdom.
   
8. "In the beginning was the word" and the word is not to be trusted.
   
9. My skin and hair have little, if anything, to do with what I am. They have more to do, however, with what others may think of me before they meet me. They also have much to do with my commitment to truth and justice, my love of wisdom, and my sense of humor. Those who look for me will find me inside my skin and hair.
   
10. Prejudice is the ability of some to know me without asking me. Some blacks are guilty of that also, as they insist that if I do not think or talk or act in certain ways, I cannot be black. I am a homo sapiens.
    
11. My six best friends are named who, what, where, how, when and why. (credit to Rudyard Kipling)
    
12. My seven rules of life are:
    
    1. I shall act today.
       
    2. I will perfect myself.
       
    3. I will ask for nothing.
       
    4. I will give generously.
       
    5. I will receive gratefully.
       
    6. I will not pretend.
       
    7. I will blame no one.
       

       (Credit to Seven Rules, A.W. Robertson. Gloxinia Press. 1960)